When you think of me
by babybing4cm
Summary: This is a C&M fic. Why does Chandler leave? will he come back? Reviews are welcome!
1. Remember Me

He was going to leave. He actually was going to leave. A thousand thoughts ran through his head - sadness, fear, torture, but mostly guilt. Guilt. He felt guilty for planning to leave her. They were once happy. They thought they had everything planned. Everything was so perfect. They were deeply in love and they were trying for a baby. Nothing could have made him happier. Then that one phone call changed his life.  
  
~*flashback: 3 months earlier*~  
  
(Chandler on the phone) Hello? Oh hi, Dr. Connelly. No, she's not here, but you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? (Smile fades) Oh. (Pause) Well, so what does that mean? (Pause) Okay. Ok, thank you, thanks.  
  
~*present*~  
  
He hated that phone call. He wished he never found out, that he and Monica had kids, that this wasn't something to worry about. But it was. This was real. He had to deal with it. He just wished he didn't have to put Monica through it too.  
  
~*Flashback, the same day three months earlier*~  
  
Chandler: Well, we're gonna.we're gonna figure this out.  
  
Monica: I know.  
  
~*present*~  
  
That was a lie. They couldn't figure it out. It was too hard. Everything was so complicated.  
  
After the call they still had hope, there was still a small chance. But now, everyday that hope seemed to chip away, until there was none left. They tried anything to help them, but nothing worked. And he and Monica were falling apart.  
  
He knew babies were all she ever thought about. It was on her mind 24/7, at work, hanging out with her friends, even in the bedroom. He could see it in her eyes too. Every time she looked at Emma, or any other baby for that matter, she had this twinkle in her eyes. It was like she wanted a baby so bad, but she knew that would never happen for her.  
  
So she started shutting him out of her life. And now he didn't know how to comfort her, or even talk to her. And he knew it was all his fault.  
  
Monica always wanted kids. Ever since he could remember, she would always talk about them. And she was made to be a mother. She had those motherly instincts. She knew just how to handle kids, and it seemed like all children loved her.  
  
So why did this have to happen to her - to them? He thought god had finally forgiven him for all the crap he did as a kid. Why did God want to cause him more pain? And Monica?  
  
He knew it wasn't fair, not just for him, but Monica.  
  
And now he hated himself. He hated the fact that he put Monica through this.  
  
So he finally came to a decision. He was going to leave her. He caused everyone too much pain, especially Monica. He hoped she would find someone else to love and have kids with, because he couldn't give her that. Hell, maybe she should just go back to Richard, he loved her, and maybe he had changed his mind about kids. I mean, he did say he loved her on the night he was going to propose. But he didn't really care about that right now. He just hoped that after he left, Monica would remember the good things about him, the things that made her happy. He wished she'd remember the way he used to be. Remember the way he loved her. 


	2. Hurt

A/N: Okay, I realize Chandler probably would never have been feeling any of these things, but its fiction, and it's my story. Sorry this is so short, but my next chapter will be longer, I promise.  
  
I don't own any of these characters  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
That night after he made his decision he knew he couldn't stay there. He had to leave right then. It was just too painful knowing Monica was sleeping peacefully right next to him, not knowing the pain she was going to be going through when she finds out he was leaving. So he quickly got out of bed and packed a bag of some sweater vests and jeans. He gave her one last peck on the cheek, left a note on the counter, and was out the door.  
When Monica woke up the next morning she noticed Chandler wasn't there. 'Maybe he just left for work early today,' she thought, although she knew it was most unlikely, considering Chandler hated his job more than anything.  
'He might be at Joey's' she thought again after quickly erasing him going to work from her mind. So she went over to Joey's, knocking first because she wasn't sure what kind of date Joey brought home last night. "Hey Mon" Joey said cheerfully "Hey, have you seen Chandler?" Monica asked with much less enthusiasm. "No, not since last night." Joey said, while pouring a cup of coffee. "You want a cup?" "No thanks, I think I'll go find Chandler. He has to be around here somewhere." And with that she was out the door, back in her apartment in search of Chandler. She poured herself a glass of juice and noticed a white paper on the counter. And being obsessively compulsive she was going to throw it away, but then she noticed it had writing on the other side of it. So she decided to read it, hoping it was a note from Chandler saying where he was, and why he left without saying something to her. Dear Mon, I'm sorry I'm leaving, maybe I'm a coward, but I can't stand seeing you suffer, and I can't stand being the one to make you. I know it's unfair for you, and I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to. I'm not sure when I'll be back, or even if I'll be back, but don't worry about me. Move on with your life. Don't be sad over me. Try to be happy. But remember me. Remember the way I used to be, remember the way that I used to be. Remember the way that I loved you. Mon, Remember me.  
  
PS. Try and take care of Joey for me, and if you want to tell the rest of our friends where I am, go ahead, it's up to you.  
  
Love,  
Chandler  
  
After the first line she dropped her glass and it shattered. But she didn't care. She sank down on her knees and cried while she finished his letter. 'Well, this certainly explains where he went' She thought, while continuing to cry. She must have been crying there for hours. She didn't know. All she knew was work called for her, and she had to make up some dumb excuse as to why she couldn't come. She sat there for around another hour at least when Rachel came through the door on her lunch break. Rachel was just about to ask why Monica was crying, but Monica held up Chandler's note before the words came to Rachel's mouth. She read it quickly, and turned to Monica and cried with her. 


End file.
